What makes a person a mother?
For some people, motherhood is black and white. If you have a baby, you are a mother. Or, if you adopt a baby, you are a mother. Some people are more open minded and acknowledge that if you marry a man with a child and as a family decide that your role in your home is going to be that of a mother, you too are a mother. This last form of motherhood, stepmotherhood, is the path I was given to being a mother.
But, is a stepmother really a mother?
My husband and I have been married for two years, but I have been in my stepson's life for five and a half years. My role over those five and a half years has changed. I went from daddy's friend to the person daddy lives with to daddy's fiancé and finally I became his stepmom. Our marriage established a socially recognized direct relationship between my stepson and I. No longer was I his daddy's fiancé, but I was his stepmom. That, along with the three of us becoming a last name-sharing family unit, made a huge difference in all of our lives.
Was that when I became a mother, when I said I do?
I struggled with this issue for a long time. Before we got married it was easy to downgrade my place in my stepson's life. "Boyfriend's son" or "father's girlfriend" doesn't carry too much weight, after all. When my husband moved in with me his son and my dog became brothers. Despite the descriptive terminology, I was still at every cub scout meeting, every baseball game and every school play. We were having dinners at the dining room table talking about our day. From day one of living together my husband and I tucked my stepson in together at night and made all parenting decisions together.
Was that when I became a mother, when my boyfriend and his son moved in?
I've asked myself these questions often. I've asked other mothers, stepmothers, my own mother and my therapist. I've changed my mind, doubted myself, and tried to feel differently. What I have come up with in regards to motherhood is this:
Firstly, there are no overarching answers to these questions. These questions can only be answered by each mother and each family themselves. What's right for one family might not be right for another family. We cannot judge one family and their decisions by another or by our own.
For me, what makes a person a mother is what they feel in their heart. Whether it be for a child or a pet, if you are a mother you just know it. It's kind of like that most annoying but totally true answer to the question of how you know when you've found "the one"; you just know. It's not something I can put into words, but there is a bond between my stepson and myself that I feel in my heart more deeply than I ever dreamed possible. I just simply feel it, and he does too.
Stepmothers (and stepdads, too) are in the same class as pet parents. In my opinion we are just as much parents as anyone else, but a good amount of people in the world simply don't get that. Before I was a stepmom I was a doggie momma and just calling myself a mother rankled a good many people. This lack of understanding and refusal to share the term "mother" with those outside of one narrow set of circumstances used to make me mad. Now, when I come across someone like that I actually feel bad for them. If my being a mother to a dog or my stepson somehow threatens you as a mother then that says more about you and your issues with motherhood than it says about me. My wish is for all mothers to be secure enough in their roles within their families to encourage and embrace other women in those same roles, even when the circumstances are different.
Trying to figure out when I became a mother is like trying to figure out when my fondness for my stepson turned to love. I was fond of him immediately, but I didn't love him on the first day I met him. I cannot pinpoint when like and caring turned to love and I cannot pinpoint when I became a mother. I suspect they are closely linked, however.
All I know about motherhood is that, like most things, it starts with love. Where it goes is up to each of us and our families.
